I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
