On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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