I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
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Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
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There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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