I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
