she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
