Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
