i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
