You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
