At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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