When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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