Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
