the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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