So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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