so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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