True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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