I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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