Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
