don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
