I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
