The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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