I wish I could punch you in the face.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
