I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
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Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
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17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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