I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
