i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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