I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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