she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
