does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
