the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
