i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
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That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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