At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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