Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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