if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
