ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
