Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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