Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
