I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
