i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
