Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
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