shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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