When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
