I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
