I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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