you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
