just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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