hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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