Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
