i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
