I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
