dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
