Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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