I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.