Is it normal to miss your booty call?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house