im six kinds of drunk right now
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough