Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
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We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
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I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.