I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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