Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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