Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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