just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
