when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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