Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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