the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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