I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
